It's been a little while...

So, here we are yet again.  It’s just been a little while since the last entry but my heart has been weighing heavy to write my thoughts down.  I’m going to start with a story that happened to me just the other evening.  After a long day at work, preparing for a presentation, I got home late, cooked some breakfast dinner, watched an episode of “Hot in Cleveland” which if you haven’t watched Betty White at her best, do yourself a favor and do ASAP, took a shower and climbed into my queen size super comfy bed.  As, I tried hard not to stare at the broken moon through the trees outside my window, I laid there thinking to myself.  I thought about my day as it unfolded, thought about my nieces and nephew and what show I am going to take them to for their Christmas present.  I thought about what my work day would look like the next day, thought how my feet were still cold under my down comforter, and then back to the broken bright light outside my window.  I told myself to close my eyes, go to sleep, as my eyes opened back up after 10 seconds, I asked myself, “out of everyone I knew who would you choose to be laying beside me?”  Without hesitation I answered, “my dad of course.”  As I tried to then get my Dad out of my mind, I decided to just indulge my thoughts.  I continued to have a conversation with my Dad as he lay beside me. I could hear his voice and feel his indention in my bed.  We laid there covered up talking about politics, the prices of gas, my car, the conversation never had a moment of silence.  I just kept talking about anything and everything under the sun well, the moon.  It seemed like hours had past as we talked.  We talked about my work and where I may be going next.  We talk about my brothers and how he was so proud of them and he hoped they were proud to have him as a Father.  He hoped that they forgave him for any hard feelings he may have left them with and he loved them more than they could understand.  He told me to tell them he loved them.  We of coursed talked about Mom.  I told him she was doing better but missed him every day.  I told him that she was mad that he wasn’t there to help fix all the water leaks she has had in the past year.  He giggled and said to tell her, he was proud of her and to tell her, he was there every morning she woke up and every evening she laid her head down.  He also told me to tell her she was his one and only love and that she made him the luckiest man in the world.  I gave him the normal “awww, Dad” and told him I would tell them all.  Then just then the awkward moment of silence popped up.  I had been dreading that moment of silence all night. I knew my Dad would not pass up the opportunity to talk about the only reason I had conjured him up in my mind in the first place the second he had a chance.  I knew I was doomed at that moment.  He then proceeded to tell me, I was prefect in every way.  He told me that I have done nothing wrong in life and that I just hadn’t found the man that was worthy to lay beside me and protect me as I slept.  He told me to keep my head up and wipe the tears off my face.  He giggled and threatened to give me his “famous speech” again if I didn’t.  I told him that I was tired of not having the butterflies and having someone to hold my hand when I needed it.  I just didn’t understand how I could have so many men killing for a chance to hold my hand and me feeling like I was cheating on my future husband.  He told me that, it was normal because I had a complex heart that only deserved the best of the best men this life had to offer.  He said my time was coming so just keep truckin’ on.  I told him that I was so thankful to know I’ve been loved by so many.  I had broken a few hearts, and got my heart broke once or twice and held back when I shouldn’t have, and gave in when I shouldn’t have, but that I didn’t regret any of those memories I shared with those men.  Because those men taught me that I am a princess and should have my doors opened for me and only walk on the far side of the road.  I learned the only way to eat ice-cream and sushi!  That I learned that music is not just something that fills the silence in my day but that it was a rare love of my life, I learned that I should be held when I have a bad day, and flowers should be a “just because”,  that everyday should be a new adventure that is just waiting for me to unfold, that I should have a good balance of stability and exploration and that when a man looks at me, he would need to see how big my heart and not feel worthy of even an ounce of it but willing to try everyday to show me he was.  My Dad told me that he loved me and that he couldn’t be more proud of me and for me to close my eyes that I was ready to sleep now.  I did has I was told, and whispered, “I love you Dad”. 

Today is a free day.  Whatever I want…

The sun and stars that float in the open air... the

apple shaped earth and we upon it... surely the drift

of them is something grand;

I do not know what it is except that it is grand, and that it

is happiness,

And that the enclosing purport of us here is not a speculation,

or bon-mot or reconnaissance,

And that it is not something which by luck may turn out

well for us, and without luck must be a failure for us,

And not something which may yet be retracted in a certain

contingency.

Walt Whitman

This day

That day runs through my mind like a silent black and white movie

Everything in slow motion

I’m screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears me

I wish there was a way to know then what I know now

Sickness can pull you in so many ways you never thought possible

Not knowing how to accept love I will have to wonder for the rest of my life

I should have said yes to your love.

Nobody ever said it was easy but no one ever told me it would be this hard

Now all there is to blame is me and my childish ways

Now that I’m alone this day

Scientist by Coldplay

Shelter by Ray Lamontagne

Let you go by Josh Gracin

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Air Stream by Miranda Lambert

Somebody’s Baby by Jackson Browne

Black Lung Heartache by Joe Bonamassa

Entry 12: Old and sharing anyway.

Entry not sure will look up later: Will I ever.

My goodness, what is up with my emotions the past couple of days?  I’m trying all my techniques and it’s not budging.  I have so much to be thankful for which I am!  I have so much that so many would love to have. I don’t worry about if I will eat dinner tonight, where my head will lay, or when I will see someone that loves me.  It’s crazy.  I cannot get my thoughts in line.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t work out or eat like I should have since I ended my vegetarian diet. Maybe it’s because I threw myself into my Ohio assignment and then right back into work on Monday morning.  Maybe it’s because the holidays coming up and the one man that always loved me not matter what mistakes I made is not here to see me through. I’ll make it through okay but dang, why does it all have to hit me at once.  I very rarely have days like these so, I guess I’m due.  As soon as I get back into my normal routine of working out, eating healthy, and balancing my work life to my personal life, things will get better. 

                Okay, so, it only took a split second for me to put my life into perspective.  It only took three little old ladies have lunch together at Panera Bread.  I went for my usual Pick 2, black bean soup and Fuji Apple Chicken Salad and sitting beside me were three little ladies talking about their Thanksgiving feast and family coming in.  You could tell that the ladies have been friends for some time by the way they carried on, interrupting each other and blurting out whatever they feel was right to say.  You could tell they all loved each other and was so thankful to be having lunch with each other. As I watched them chitchat and eat, I was reminded how lucky I am.  So, that’s all it took to put me back into the right state of mind. 

So, I was able to go 30 days without eating any meat of any sort.  My 30 day goal ended on November 12, 2011 with the voted “Best Cheeseburger in Cincinnati in 2010”.   

Yes, it was GOOD, as you can see from the picture. I had mixed feelings after eating my dripping goodness of a cheeseburger, like I had done something wrong.  I hated that feeling. It didn’t last very long, I was back to eating sushi the next day and oh, it was just as good as I remembered!  Needless to say, I haven’t thought about going vegetarian long term.  I have however, considered to not eat as much meat for the simple fact I did have a lot of energy and felt better.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I can’t wait to just be home for a little while with no aim in sight.  Go running at my elementary school and just breathe familiar air.   My family celebrates Thanksgiving on Saturday so; I have a couple of days before I’m able to stuff my face.  I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!  

Well, I just wanted to update you on my diet!  Hope you don’t eat too much tomorrow and find at least one thing you are thankful for.  This year, I am dedicating my Thanksgiving “Thanks” to our men and women of our armed forces.  We wouldn’t be having Thanksgiving if it wasn’t for the brave souls that serve our country.  Attached are a couple of short videos that are worth watching so enjoy!

My "Thanks" at Thanksgiving. 

More Thanks. 

Sorry this entry was posted so late!  

"This world is but a canvas to our imagination." Henry David Thoreau

Entry 11: Laugh so deep it cleans your soul..

Entry 11: Laugh so deep it cleans your soul...

Well, it’s been a couple of weeks since my last entry.  It’s been a whirl wind out here in Ohio for work.  It started off busy and hasn’t slowed down.  We are out here during a very sensitive time for the program. Unfortunately, we have to remove trees because of the currently infestation of ALB.  So, as you can imagine trees can mean a lot to a homeowner for more than monetary reasons but for emotional attachment as well.  We all have a favorite tree that we swing on or the prefect shade tree that you may go to just get away from the world.  It may shade you from the sun or shade you from the reality of the daily grind in the summer months.   I can still recall the tree in our backyard growing up in Stovall.  That oak found my peace, soothed my captive heart, took hits from CP’s go-cart, was the prefect hiding and seek spot and not to mention the tons of laughter, love and tears it overheard throughout the years.  Now, our “swing tree” in my mom’s front yard has had the pleasure of putting Caitlin to sleep when she was a baby, given Kaylee and Kealynn laughs, and now Gage and Rylee are getting to experience the wind against their faces whenever Aunt Valaree comes home for the weekend.  So, as you can see trees hold many special memories for our short time on earth. This coming week is a very vital week for us and I can only keep my head up and say “I’m sorry” every time I speak to an upset homeowner.  This is definitely the worse part about my job but there is a bigger picture in store and I can only pray the homeowners can see it too one day. 

Enough about work:  GUESS WHAT!?  I’m still practicing my vegetarian diet!  I know it’s crazy.  My two week goal was so easy I decided to extend it for 30 days without meat!  It has been a challenge especially when all your co-workers are enjoying fresh steaks, and cheeseburgers that look like they taste out of this world good.   Today is 25 days without meat of any sort.  I still only have a desire for great sushi and cheeseburgers.  I have received amazing support for my goal/goals and so grateful for the wonderful people that God has put in my life.  Call it fate or not, I’m thankful.  I have been missing my NC family and friends while out here in Ohio and for some reason, Dad is on my mind a lot as well.  I’m not sure if it is because of the new places and people or because, I’m seeing so much beauty out of the simplest things in life.  Dad always stopped to really look at things and thought about it.  Gosh, I miss him so much!  I know he misses me too though!  I talk to him all the time and strangely enough, he answers me back.  I would like to think his ability to see beauty in the strangest things have been passed down to me. For instance, my partner in crime over the past couple of weeks has been a gentleman named Jonathan who works for the state here in Ohio.  We were driving on a back country road this past week and I drove over a bend and saw one of the most magnificent sycamore tree ever.  The way the light hit it was breathe taking.   And just after that the way the light was hitting the stream hurrying to its destination just beside the road was so beautiful, and not to mention the amount of old gorgeous barns out here. Just WOW! Jonathan said, he wished he would see the beauty in things I see but he just can’t.  His statement threw me in a deep thought of how life can bring so many people down to the point they can’t find the little joys in life.  I wanted to just cry because then I was forced to realize and except that I know so many people that can’t see this either.  How sad it is to live a life where the moonlight doesn’t impress you or having a laugh so deep it cleans your soul. 

 

I’m currently sitting at the Barnes and Noble located right on the river at Newport Levee.  It’s so beautiful.  I have my headphones on listening to The Script and Adele.  As I watch a somewhat expensive boat make its way up river, I can’t help but to wonder who is on the boat, what are their names, where are they going.  I wonder if they are as happy as I am right now.  It’s a beautiful November day with a cool breeze blowing the hair from my face. I feel like I’m a million bucks today.  I couldn’t be more at peace then I am right now.  WOW!  I see the American flag flying over the river on top of the US Bank building and how privileged we are to enjoy such a wonderful day.  Again, I have to say, “It’s truly a wonderful day to be alive!”  

As, I close this entry, I challenge you to find your peace today!  Don’t wait to find what makes you happy and follow your heart.  Be happy TODAY!  If you have lost your spark of enthusiasm for the simple joys in life, FIND IT!  Yes you may have made a few mistakes in this lifetime maybe even today but know somewhere inside you there is a smoldering coal that is just waiting for you to blow it back into a flame.  Even if it may seem like life in constantly throwing you into the dirt remember that the scientist are now saying that playing in the dirt can be good for you in more than one way.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, and believe you are worth a million bucks.  You have made it this far and there is so much more to experience including living, laughing and loving deeply.  Smile at your accomplishments, have confidence in in your dreams, and never stop seeking the beauty in YOU! 

 LOVELY DAY! LISTEN TO IT! :)

LOVE YOU!

Entry 10: No more excuses…

Entry 10: No more excuses…

Hello again!  It’s a rainy day here in Northern Virginia! I have been having my ups and downs this past week.  I’m not sure exactly what is causing me to feel like I’m completely losing it one second and then okay the next.  I would LOVE to blame it on my new two week diet but it’s probably not so, I’m in the process of interviewing more excuses.  The truth of the matter is we all have ups and downs, moments of needless panic, days that are just not the ideal pick of the litter. Right? It’s okay to except that fact as long as you always discover the positive is those moments no matter what.   Over the past week, I made it a mini goal to stop and really watch and listen to people.  These privileged select few individuals were a combination of family and friends to acquaintances at the gym. I have found two things about the people that I investigated.   One:  The individual put so much focus on the progress of a goal and could not see how far they have come on that goal to appreciate it.  Or two: The individual had no clue what they were doing and making excuses of why they couldn’t accomplish their goals.  I found that one either puts so much pressure on themselves to finish a goal that they can’t stop and appreciate their diligence.  It’s OKAY to praise yourself for your hard work!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying boast to others in order to get that pat on the back.  But, you can praise yourself without being rude or condescending to others and most of the time you can find your praise within yourself and not have to say a word.  And for myself personally, I have found that the outcome of my actions speak louder than words most of the time and that is enough for me.  With that being said, you should not have to have others praise you to feel worthy or accomplished.   You’re the only one that needs to be satisfied.  If your goals are for others to praise you, you are putting your pennies in an empty wishing well so STOP IT!  Find your self-worth, your golden ticket, your reason for being and run like hell with it! This may not make sense to any of you but it’s been on my mind so, I’m sharing it.

I have struggled this week to not make excuses for myself; as you can tell from the beginning of the entry.  So I wanted to share with you a quote that I repeated to myself over and over this week.  It may help you stop making excuses for whatever you may be putting off.

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

Bob Moawad

DIET UPDATE: So, it’s just as hard and easy as I thought it would be.  I have had some weird cravings which I will go into later.  For those who are reading my blog for the first time, I made a goal to be a two week vegetarian.  I started one week ago and I have not had any meat of any sort.  Now, my meat diet before consisted of chicken, bacon, fish, and very little red meat so, I predicted my appetite wouldn’t have such a huge shock.  My diet this past week has mainly consisted of vegetable soup, peanut butter sandwiches, fruit, granola, yogurt, black bean fajitas, crackers and cheese, eggs and maybe a few more eggs.  I thought it would be very difficult to eat out as a vegetarian and that is not true!  Everywhere I have been has had meat free choices and most of the time very tasty.  Shopping vegetarian was pretty easy too they have a whole section of vegetarian delights!  Now back to my cravings, I have woken up thinking about sushi and cheeseburgers but the real cheeseburgers that are home made and dripping from your fingers and i dont think texting your bestfriend at three in the morning about sushi is normal either.  For some reason, I have really want milk and that’s a huge change but that could be caused by my workout regimen.  One week down and one week to go and so far so good!   

MAKE NO EXCUSES!  YOU ARE CAPABLE OF HAVING ALL YOUR HEART DESIRES, AS LONG AS YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT!

The pictures within this post were from my hike on Saturday in the Shenandoah Valley.
ENJOY LIFE!

Entry 9: Taking a deep breathe...

Entry 9: Taking a deep breathe

Hello again!  I hope you are doing wonderful!  It’s been a while.  Every day has been an adventure full of twist and turns but I’ve managed to stay on the roller coaster. I titled this entry “taking a deep breathe” because, I have learned how important it is to actually stop and just take a deep breathe.  There are so many things on a daily basis that people worry about which doesn’t deserve that kind of stress or worry.  For instance, maybe you are late on your phone bill, or maybe you don’t have plans yet for the weekend, or maybe you don’t know what you want to eat for lunch, or maybe you just washed your car and you have a muddy driveway, or maybe someone in your family is having a disagreement that doesn’t concern you, or maybe your house is a mess, or maybe you have a pile of dirty dishes or maybe you feel like you are the only one in this world that is not married or maybe even you just want something you simply can’t have.  None of these “worries” are justified for concern.  Just take a deep breath and slowly let it out.  To some of you these may be old news but it’s a newer concept for me.  As you know from the previous entry, I am an analyzer so; minor details like these cloud my daily thoughts.  I’m slowly learning to just simply let go of things and take a deep breathe.  I always find myself at the end of a workout really enjoying those nice long deep breathes.  You know the ones where you bend your knees and swinging your arms all the way up, inhale as you go up and then exhale as you go back down.  You know those. : ) Anyway, just take a deep breath and realize that those petty worries and everything will work out just fine.  Take ownership of your time and energy to be devoted to those things that you can make great.   

Back to my goal list!  I started my two week vegetarian diet yesterday!  So far so good!  However, I dreamed of bacon last night!  Not sure where that came from but I even smelt it.  So, I think that is my mind already telling me that I’m not going to be a long term vegetarian.  Nonetheless, I will be complete the goal and I know I will learn a great deal about my normal diet after these two weeks.  I plan to eat lots of vegetables and fruits.  I’ve found a couple of really good recipes that I will try out this weekend hopefully.  I had to do a little research of what type of vegetarian I wanted to be. I came to the conclusion that I will be a lacto-ovo-vegetarian.  This is the most common type of vegetarian in North America. Lacto-ovo-vegetarian is willing to still consume eggs and dairy products but not fresh meat of any sort.  To be honest, I love egg sandwiches and who doesn’t love cheese so, I just wasn’t ready to kick those to the curb.  Maybe one day I will commit to being a vegan for two weeks, why not.  Guess you will have to stay tuned.  So, a short entry today, I’ll keep you updated on the success of my two week goal.   

May you accomplish all your daily goals and learn to take a deep breathe to simply enjoy the moment. 

SMILE!!!

Entry 8: I am my Daddy's little girl.

Entry 8: I am my Daddy’s little girl.

Hello on this beautiful fall day!  Today’s entry is devoted to the memory of my Daddy.  Today one year ago, we lost him to a long nine 9 month battle of cancer. However, I do not want this entry to be devoted to mourning his death but more so to celebrate his wonderful work he accomplished while on earth.  To those that knew my Dad, Danny, you know he was a man that had the ability to stop you in your tracks.  He stood up for what he believed and enjoyed life each and every day.  He was a devoted husband, father, grandfather, provider, giver, architect, discoverer, encourager, reinsurer and so much more.  I am one extremely lucky woman to have had such a strong and wonderful father.  I do wish I could have had more years with him but the good Lord has his plans and I am not one that is qualified to ask why.  This past year has been more than difficult but I know that it has been my father’s words of wisdom and memories that pull me out of the muck and mud on those days of blue.  I know that my life will never be the same without his hugs and kisses and his stern reassurance.  I want to share just a few of my many memories with my dad that really sticks out today.    I hope I don’t bore you. 

Some of you may have already heard this story, maybe even more than once, but this is one memory that I truly will never forget. 

Memory 1: Well, it was my decision to move out to the wild west of Wyoming to finish my last semester of college on exchange.  I remember coming home to tell my parents that I had decided to move out to Wyoming for the following semester, I was nervous that my dad would absolutely forbid it.  My dad asked why I wanted to leave, I really did not have a clear answer of why I wanted to leave other then it was something that just hit me that I had to follow.  I asked him if he thought I was serious, I remember him looking down at me and saying, “I have no doubt you are serious.” Well, the next couple of months were nerve racking getting ready to leave; I definitely was scared and nervous about being so far away from home.  I had a wonderful friend, Jen, agree to ride with me out west so, I was great.  I remember waving bye to Mom and Dad on the front steps of our home on the gorgeous mild morning of January 2^nd, 2007. Jen and I drove the entire why out west.  We had a blast, stopped when we wanted, did some sightseeing and before we knew it we were at driving into the very cold college town of Laramie, Wyoming at 3 am.  I mean cold, it was -15 degrees when we pulled in.  Not to mention the main highway over the mountain from Cheyenne was closed so, Jen found a little canyon road to get us in. For this southern girl, it was a completely foreign land.  We crashed in my little dorm room for the next couple of hours until we could actually explore the winter wonder land at daybreak.  What happened next was completely unexpected on my part.  I had no clue that I would wake up and completely freak out.  Poor Jen, I’m sorry!  I woke up that morning and had no clue what the hell I was doing in Wyoming.  I was scared “shitless”, pardon my French but I was a horrrible wreck.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I remember staring out of my dorm window and feeling like my world was turn completely upside down.  So, like so many times before, I called mom to get her advice.  I told her, I was coming home, I didn’t think I could do this and I was on my way home.  After about 15 minutes of bawling hysterically on the phone with her, my Dad takes the phone from my Mom and this speech by him was one of the most memorable memories I have with him.  He told me to stop crying right then in his most demanding fierce voice.  He told me that I was an extremely bright young woman, and no matter what, I thought right now, he knew I could do it.  He reminded me that I made the decision to move out west and there was no way he would let me throw in the towel after a few hours there.  He went on telling me how much he knew I could do it and to just calm down and remember why I decided to explore the west.  Here I was, a snotty nosed 21 years old woman, and my Dad is talking to me like I am a snotty nosed 10 year old little girl.  After, he calmed me down; I was abe to clear my crazy thoughts, and knowing I had my Dad’s faith, I went on to face that adventure and needless to say I end up learning more about myself then ever before.  I am so thankful; I was able to thank my dad for that “talkin’ to” because it was a life turning speech that gave me faith in myself to face anything. 

Memory 2:  This next memory I haven’t share with anyone but it is a memory that I remember so vividly.  It was my first semester at NC State and of course, I couldn’t have a car on campus so every other Friday my Dad or my brother CP would make the haul into Raleigh to load me up.  This Friday, Dad and I didn’t speak much on the way in.  I was secretly jumping for joy I got to have my mom’s cooking and busy planning my weekend at home.  You know thinking about it, I would have complained having to drive all the way in to Raleigh in rush hour traffic after working 50 hours plus weeks but I never once heard my Dad say a negative word or complaint.  Well, it was a fall day probably much like today where the sky was blue and just warm enough to have a window or two down to enjoy the crisp air.  We were on highway 15 and just passed Gala Road when a song came on the radio; of course the radio was turned to 94.7.  And remind you there wasn’t much talking between Dad and me but right then my Dad said a statement that I would never want to forget.  “I hope I can live a life like that and if that’s all I do, I would be happy.”  I remember glancing over at my dad and telling myself to never forget this song and how he looked at that moment and I haven’t.     The song is “Something worth leaving behind” by Lee Ann Womack.  I have added the link for you.  I hope you have a second to go listen to the song that then didn’t mean much to me but today means more than I could ever imagine. 

"Something Worth Leaving Behind" by Lee Ann Womack

If you had the chance to know or even meet my Dad, I hope take a chance to remember his laugher, his smile, and his words of wisdom.  Today the hurt is still real, it’s deep but I know that I have my Dad’s strength and ability to overcome any obstacles that try to bring me down.  He was one amazing man!  I love and miss him as much as a Daddy’s little girl could.  HYAPOM!