Entry 5: Gibberish

Entry 5: Gibberish

I’m going to take a break from my goal list today.  I am having a hard time today calming my mind for some reason.  I have a million thoughts racing through my mind. Now, that I think about it, it makes sense.  There is a lot going on as the month of October arrives.  I will be turning a year older in 6 days, 11 days will mark one year without seeing my Daddy’s face in nothing other than my dreams and thoughts, 28 days I will be leaving for a month long TDY for work and plus so much more.  My mind is here and there and then back again.  As I take a deep breathe in, I remind myself that I am so very lucky.  I don’t have much but I have everything I need, shelter, food, air in my lungs and love over flowing.  I am so very thankful to be alive on this very Monday, September 26, 2011.  It’s truly a wonderful day to be alive.  The sun is peeking out behind the brilliant white clouds and not to mention the crisp cool fall breeze raddling my window shades. So, as I am reminded to stop worrying about what I can’t change, I want to encourage you to do the same thing.  Tomorrow seems so close but for some tomorrow will never come.  So, make sure you say what you need to say, do what you need to do, and be sure to show love where love is due. 

In the last several weeks, I have learned something about myself that I really never stop to notice.  My whole life, I have compacted my days with searching for words/acts of encouragement, passion and love. I search everywhere for these complex words.  Maybe it’s a girl thing, I don’t know.  If it is, someone tell me because, I am in an endless whirl wind of finding the next breathtaking moment in life.  Whether it is in movie, a quote, a person, a grocery store, in nature, in the sky, in a song, I am always looking! Encouragement is such an important part of life.  We all need encouragement to face the next “adventure”.  Even the strongest person has someone telling him or her to keep going, keep trying, keep loving yourself, keep facing fear, keep getting up, keep fighting, keep dreaming, keep on keeping on. Passion!  Oh, my goodness, I love this word.  I truly do. Not because I have tons of passion everywhere I turn but the opposite, I am always trying to discover my passion.  The Webster’s definition of passion is as follows:  “Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate”.  Passion is what drives us to follow through with what we desire.  Passion is not easy for me to keep in full throttle every day or even in throttle for that matter.   However, I believe it should be something we constantly work on, to tweak, to improve, to polish every day we can. Passion is very difficult for me to define for myself.  I think I have passion.  I mean, I know, I have a passion for American Agriculture.  I love everything about the world of agriculture but I’m not sure if that is a passion I would want to “polish” daily.  So, I would have to say, I have always wanted to show love without questions or cause.  This is something that I definitely need to work on.  Life lessons have caused me to hold back from giving all of myself to others.  Getting that back, is not easy but I know it’s doable with persistence. I guess that slides right into my last quest in life, love.  Love.  Dang, loving is so tough.  I don’t mean loving your family and friends but love in a desired relationship.  I’m the type of person that when I choose to fall in love someone, I love them with every atom of my heart and soul and then some.  BUT, I don’t believe, I know how to show it properly or I don’t know how to show it all the time.  Does that make sense?  I’m not sure if it’s my defense mechanism or I’m simply screwed up or a little bit of both. Because, I’m definitely not beneath being screwed up.  Looking back on the serious relationship’s I have had, I behaved this way with all of them.  I held back, I didn’t say what I wanted, I simply ran while in the relationship but I was happy and in love. So, it’s like I’m holding on for dear life but trying desperately to run the other direction but really not wanting to go anywhere. I don’t know.  It is actually really scary to see this flaw of mine written out.  Anyway, I’m sorry for the ramble of gibberish this entry. I can only hope that one day I will unlock my heart from the barbwire fence that holds it back.

BE WONDERFUL!  It’s Zumba night!