So, here we are yet again. It’s just been a little while since the last entry but my heart has been weighing heavy to write my thoughts down. I’m going to start with a story that happened to me just the other evening. After a long day at work, preparing for a presentation, I got home late, cooked some breakfast dinner, watched an episode of “Hot in Cleveland” which if you haven’t watched Betty White at her best, do yourself a favor and do ASAP, took a shower and climbed into my queen size super comfy bed. As, I tried hard not to stare at the broken moon through the trees outside my window, I laid there thinking to myself. I thought about my day as it unfolded, thought about my nieces and nephew and what show I am going to take them to for their Christmas present. I thought about what my work day would look like the next day, thought how my feet were still cold under my down comforter, and then back to the broken bright light outside my window. I told myself to close my eyes, go to sleep, as my eyes opened back up after 10 seconds, I asked myself, “out of everyone I knew who would you choose to be laying beside me?” Without hesitation I answered, “my dad of course.” As I tried to then get my Dad out of my mind, I decided to just indulge my thoughts. I continued to have a conversation with my Dad as he lay beside me. I could hear his voice and feel his indention in my bed. We laid there covered up talking about politics, the prices of gas, my car, the conversation never had a moment of silence. I just kept talking about anything and everything under the sun well, the moon. It seemed like hours had past as we talked. We talked about my work and where I may be going next. We talk about my brothers and how he was so proud of them and he hoped they were proud to have him as a Father. He hoped that they forgave him for any hard feelings he may have left them with and he loved them more than they could understand. He told me to tell them he loved them. We of coursed talked about Mom. I told him she was doing better but missed him every day. I told him that she was mad that he wasn’t there to help fix all the water leaks she has had in the past year. He giggled and said to tell her, he was proud of her and to tell her, he was there every morning she woke up and every evening she laid her head down. He also told me to tell her she was his one and only love and that she made him the luckiest man in the world. I gave him the normal “awww, Dad” and told him I would tell them all. Then just then the awkward moment of silence popped up. I had been dreading that moment of silence all night. I knew my Dad would not pass up the opportunity to talk about the only reason I had conjured him up in my mind in the first place the second he had a chance. I knew I was doomed at that moment. He then proceeded to tell me, I was prefect in every way. He told me that I have done nothing wrong in life and that I just hadn’t found the man that was worthy to lay beside me and protect me as I slept. He told me to keep my head up and wipe the tears off my face. He giggled and threatened to give me his “famous speech” again if I didn’t. I told him that I was tired of not having the butterflies and having someone to hold my hand when I needed it. I just didn’t understand how I could have so many men killing for a chance to hold my hand and me feeling like I was cheating on my future husband. He told me that, it was normal because I had a complex heart that only deserved the best of the best men this life had to offer. He said my time was coming so just keep truckin’ on. I told him that I was so thankful to know I’ve been loved by so many. I had broken a few hearts, and got my heart broke once or twice and held back when I shouldn’t have, and gave in when I shouldn’t have, but that I didn’t regret any of those memories I shared with those men. Because those men taught me that I am a princess and should have my doors opened for me and only walk on the far side of the road. I learned the only way to eat ice-cream and sushi! That I learned that music is not just something that fills the silence in my day but that it was a rare love of my life, I learned that I should be held when I have a bad day, and flowers should be a “just because”, that everyday should be a new adventure that is just waiting for me to unfold, that I should have a good balance of stability and exploration and that when a man looks at me, he would need to see how big my heart and not feel worthy of even an ounce of it but willing to try everyday to show me he was. My Dad told me that he loved me and that he couldn’t be more proud of me and for me to close my eyes that I was ready to sleep now. I did has I was told, and whispered, “I love you Dad”.
